In the Future, Everything Will Be Fitted With Lasers

ESTIMATED ARRIVAL DATE: 2009

The Regan era may be long over in Washington, but the ray gun era is just getting started. Today two government agencies are touting their multibillion dollar projects, both of which seem like excuses to shoot laser beams at things.

The Pentagon's Missile Defense program is bringing its Airborne Laser plane to D.C. tonight in the hopes of turning lawmakers into excited little kids eager to spend their allowance. The modified Boeing 747 freighter would -- if completed -- use a Chemical Oxygen Iodine Laser (COIL) to attack ICBMs during their most vulnerable phase, the few minutes after launch. This assumes, of course, that you know when and where the enemy is launching its ICBMs from, and have already invaded their airspace. So if Kim Jong Il doesn't forget to call ahead a few hours before launch, we'll be set.

Meanwhile, NASA has just started testing its "Scarecrow" Mars Rover, intended for use in a 2009 Mars mission. Scarecrow is fitted with -- you guessed it -- a cool-looking laser than the agency says can pulverize rocks from 20 ft away. Take that, Martian geological formation! Just because the Red Planet is mostly lifeless, doesn't mean it's mostly harmless; you've got to watch out for potential terrorist bacteria. Ostensibly, Scarecrow's laser will help clear obstacles that its four-wheel drive can't tackle. Does this mean, given the trickle-down world of NASA technology, that all SUVs will soon be fitted with lasers?